our phone rang at 3:00am.
obviously, we didn't answer.
in the morning (i realize that 3am is, technically, the morning. but i mean the real morning. the one where the sun is on our side of the earth) i checked the message.
"hello. this is (inaudible-grumble) calling you from (inaudible-grumble) productions. We need to speak to someone right away about a screening of our film, the (inaudible-grumble). You are infringing on our copy rights and can not screen our film without permission..."
**keep in mind that the National Comedy Theatre has never screened a film and has no plans to do so in the future.**
the message continues:
"You have to get permission to screen (inaudible-mumble). You dont have permission to screen (inaudible-mumble). obviously you need permission or you are infringing on our copy rights."
**keep in mind that this man is leaving a message. he is not speaking at anyone at all, yet, slowly becomes more agitated and belligerent as he explains to our voicemail that, once again, we do not have permission to screen the film whose name we can not understand without first acquiring the rights from the production company whose name we can not understand... which we arent doing in the first place.
the message continues:
"so you need to have someone call us right away (quickly mumbles a series of numbers). because you are infringing on our copy rights. and really, you should know that. i mean, if you dont know that you are infringing on our copy rights then thats just ridiculous. i mean, come on. so you need to have someone call us right away." click.
around 3:00 in the afternoon, a far more appropriate time to call a place of business, our phone rang again. this time i answered.
"National Comedy Theatre, this is Krissy." said krissy in a pleasant voice, as though you could hear her smiling at you over the phone.
"Yes, this is inaudible murmur calling from inaudible murmur productions." said the man whose name still could not be understood.
"Ah... yes. I believe you left me a message at 3 o'clock this morning." said Krissy
"Yes, well. You are infringing on our copy rights and you can not screen our film, inaudible mutter." said the angry man.
** but this time i think i understood what he was saying and i think he said that his film was called The Room. and this is where krissy starts to get suspicious because, you see, i have heard of The Room**
The Room is now considered to be the worst movie of all time. its a cult phenomenon and, in the style of "Rocky Horror Picture Show," people who attend screenings throw things and shout at the screen as the movie plays. it actually sounds pretty awesome and i would really like to see it. the director, writer, star and producer is a very strange man with a very strange accent... i start wondering if the name that i couldnt understand this man shouting at me was tommy wiseau.
"Ok. Yes." I reply, "I gathered from your message that you left at 3am that you are under the impression that we are screening your film."
"You dont have the rights to screen our film, it infringes on our copy rights." he says in his weird accent, as if i hadnt heard him the first ten thousand times he mentioned the copy rights.
"Right." I continue, "We arent screening your film. We never were screening your film. We dont screen films. We do a live comedy show."
"It says right here that you are screening The Room(?)tonight, August 28th." he says
"Ok. Where does it say that?"
"Sir, I dont know what you are looking at."
"Its right here in front of me on the page."
"We arent screening your film."
"Good. But it says right here on the page that you are."
"Ok. Well, we arent. And i dont know what you are looking at, but i doubt that it says that we are screening anything, because we dont have the capability to screen a film at our theatre. we do a LIVE comedy show."
"It says here on this page that you are and you are infringing on our copy rights." the angry man is now angry again and more difficult to understand.
"obviously you are either reading it wrong or its a mistake. i dont even know what you are looking at... is it a page in a news paper? a book? are you on a web page?"
"It said so on the internet"
"the internet is a pretty big thing. can you tell me the name of the website?"
"its on the internet"
"where on the internet?"
"it says here A.S.U."
"Sir, ASU is a college. we have performed at ASU. in fact, we performed there very recently. LIVE. we do a LIVE comedy show at our theatre. we dont screen movies. we have never screened movies. we dont plan to screen movies."
"its not that hard to screen a movie" he says.
"No? its not that hard to screen a movie? i imagine it probably helps to have a projector, which we dont because we are a LIVE comedy show. and you might want to show it on a screen, which we dont have because we do a LIVE comedy show. and it would be a little weird for us to screen a film in the middle of what we are actually scheduled to do tonight, which is a LIVE comedy show." i say, taking over the angry position but speaking clearly.
"you dont have to get nasty, lady"
"you called me at 3 in the morning."
"i dont care what time i called you, you are infringing on my copy rights and you have no permission to screen my film!"
"Look, man. i dont know what you would like me to tell you. we arent screening your film, as i think i have explained. i dont know what it is that you are looking at, because you cant tell me the name of the web page you see this listing on."
"1111 S Longmore Mesa, AZ" he says.
"yes, that is our adress."
"thats what it says on this page."
arrgh! krissy thinks to herself. "super. you have the adress, why dont you swing on by and if we are infringing on your copy rights you can go ahead and stop us. but i think you might be dissapointed because, as i said, we will be doing a live comedy show tonight and not screening a film."
"well, im going to keep looking into it." he says, or at least thats what i think he said.
"good." says krissy and then she hangs up.
i did a little looking into of my own and searched for anything online that listed us screening anything, or screening the room, or anything at asu or with asu. i looked up asu screening the room or screening anything. i looked up any screening of the room and could find nothing.
so now im thinking one of two things.
1) prank call. if so, you got me. well done. i look forward to seeing a puppet version of myself on the next crank yankers.
2) tommy wiseau actually called to yell at me because he thought we were screening the Room. awesome.
my sincerest apologies to anyone who showed up at the national comedy theatre expecting to see a screening of the room and instead ended up seeing awesome competitive improv comedy. probably, though, you're better off.